Banished
by Newsgirl29
Summary: Series of vignettes starting when Jenny leaves the Upper East Side for Hudson. Chornicaling Jenny and Nate relationship, how they grow into the people at the end of the show.
1. Chapter 1: Reflection

**Authors Note: I started The Return of the Banished Queen, on a burst of creative writing and then realized that it was not going to work if I did not dig deeper into the relationship of Nate and Jenny, so I am going to write a series of vignettes starting when Jenny leaves the Upper East Side for Hudson, and introduce a few OC, but more get into both of their heads and why Nate can jump right into a proposal after a one night stand. I hope you enjoy Banished.**

**_Hudson Reflection _**

_Look at me you may think you see_

_Who I really am but you'll never know me_

_Every day it's as if I play a part_

_Now I see if I wear a mask_

_I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart_

I was leaving my the only home I have ever known, the towers of gray concert for main street. I left my life from humble brooklyn to upper east side. I need to be gone, because I don't know who I am anymore. I have spent the last year chasing a guy, who not only is my step -sister boyfriend, but one of my brother best friend. I lost the girl he even liked, the down home Jenny from Brooklyn. I lost me, I lost Jenny from the block and was replaced with Queen J. It was Queen J, who thought sleeping with Chuck Bass was a good idea, and how better to get back at him and to get out, no I knew that was a really bad idea. I see the girl in the glass of the window and I don't know, who that is. I have spent the last few years, I have put a mask on honestly since the night I put on Serena Mask at the Maquared Ball

I always saw myself as Cinderella, Blair was Snow White and Serena was Sleeping Beauty. I was the queen; who came up from her boot straps, from Brooklyn, my Dad was in entertainment and my mom was a painter. I was not part of the one percent of the world, but I would look at the New Yorker and all the gossip rags. I would see a fairy tale, and I wanted my prince. I thought at fourteen I found him and I became the girl I thought he wanted, come to find out my prince Nate Archibald was not a shallow, prick, who wanted a "Blair" he liked the Jenny from the Block, but by that time I had tasted power. I was on my way to be a queen of New York, and started a rule of terror. I lost him, because I had lost me at the time and it just went down from there. I also found out that I would most likely never have kids, I had to be put on hormones to even finish my puberty and I finally got my boobs came in about a year ago.

I want find the real me, who is somewhere between the Dark Queen Cinderella and Jenny from the Block, but where to start from I had no clue, but I had to get away from my not so fairy tale empire, it was here, I let Chuck take all my frist, which should have been Nates'. It was here, I let my jealousy for a guy, almost break up my family and myself hatred almost destroy my family. Lily was a wonderful step-mom, and honestly wanted what was best for me, and I let the man who was feeding her lies about having cancer get away. I pushed my best friend away, because he was not "cool" enough according to my menons, no more the devil on my shoulders- but he just wanted the old Jenny back, his friend. I pushed my own brother away, because he could see I was not ready for this world. I pushed Nate away, if I had just been a friend and honest he would be mine now, had I not given into the pull of power, and just let Vanessa and then Serena take off their mask. I saw that Serena was just a fantasy and he might take a little time put the pieces together, but he always did, but I didn't trust him or respect him and Jenny you have a three brothers and a Dad; I know a guy would rather feel alone and unloved over disrespect. I had to be free or I would never find me, but letting go of my family, my school, of Nate- who I still loved like, know I will never love anyone else. I had to find the real me and get over my broken heart. I didn't know where to start, but I had except my banishment and take the time to grow and find me.

In UES I had to hide the real me, because the girl who sew her own clothes, was not as cool as girl who got a real tiara for christmas. I had to hide my love for old musicals, unless I was with Nate- who like them to. I had to hide the girl who had more fun playing video games, with her best friend and brother than going out and getting into a club. I had to hide the girl, who loved to read jane austen and would spend one weekend every year could not be moved until I finished Persuasion. I wanted to find that girl and see what the women she could become. I will find the women I want to be and set aside this Queen J, and find the real Jennifer T. Humphrey; for me and not for a man or spot on page 6. I have to find the real me, or I will never grow up and move past the trauma of fame.


	2. Chapter 2: Hudson

Life in Hudson was down right tranquil compared to NYC. I had been spending my first month in exile drawing and playing Call of Duty with my brother and Nate. Nate still didn't know why I left, but does think for the best I left. I still don't understand that man, he treats me like a little sister and then looks at me like he wants to take all my clothes off, and screw me till I was walking side to side, but I do need to move on from him. I have started a new life a new me to find the old me.

Hudson, was a quite small town with large art sense, which is why my mom came here. It looked like Pleasantville, in color and a large LGBT, community. I never thought of myself as anything other than a city girl. This was changing, I had come into a pattern in my days. I get up and walk the streets, before most people are up something I would never do as a New Yorker, but here in Hudson life is quite and honestly a breath of fresh air.

I was walking to the local coffee shop and saw them, a guy with dark chocolate eyes and burnt umber hair with just the slightest wave and smile that would have made him prince at St. Judes. He was with two girls one had fiery ruby red hair and deep sea blue eyes, and then the one who had to be youngest of them a girl with the biggest doe brown eyes and ebony curls pulled up in high pony, though did see she had leggings to her knees under her jogging shorts and under armor shirt, which went to her elbows, under her tee shirt, as girl from Brooklyn I knew tziut with I saw it but she was doing it poorly, but her smile I could tell pulled people in and that was wonderful. It was the happy laughter and joyes smiles, and remind me of times with Eric, Dan, Serena and I when we all getting along. I missed my family and friends. I got to the local coffee shop and got in line, and they came up behind me they must have been done with their jogging they were all hot and sweaty, but their laughter had quitted down. I was not aware when the tall dark and handsome walked right into me.

"Oh I am so sorry," He apologizes with a sweet smooth voice of a 1940 crewner, and the good looks to match, and a smile that would have made all the girls in NYC melt, the kind of smile that made every girl and gay boy want to jump your bones; and the straight guys wonder what the big deal was.

"It's okay, don't worry I answer," I tell him thinking that would be it but it was the girl in tziut.

"Hey your the new girl, your mom is a painter," She stated and if she had been at Constans I would thought was challenged, but it was innocent in her eyes, I knew this girl was just stating a fact.

"Yeah, that would be right," I said because the city girl from the outer beroles tells me you never give a stranger your name.

"Well I haven't had a chance to come by and Introduce myself I am Eliza Davidson, and these are my friends Kit Sanderson and Yosh Goldstein, do you want to have coffee with us," Eliza asked with such openness that I had to agree, she was such a breath of fresh air.

"Sure why not, I am Jenny Humphrey," I introduced myself, what I didn't know that day is had made friends for life, not just the summer. We got our drinks me with my large iced americano, with six shots, Eliza got a latte with simple syrup, which explained a lot about her classic and serious with touch of sweetness and innocence. Yosh, got a black coffee, which perfect for all nighters and english classes. Kit it was cold brew, clean and straightforward, with a shot of chai tea base, spicy and chill, and soy milk. I have always judge people by their coffee order, but according to Vanessa it tended to be spot on, coffee is the real window to the soul, not the eyes Nate got a black coffee when people were looking, but when it was just him and me it was a latte with two raw sugars, simple and sweet.

"So new girl, where are your from?" Kit asked straightforward as we sat down.

"I am from Brooklyn," I answered as we sit down at a corner table.

"That's cool, I love your style," Kit answered as looks lover my look today, which was a rip jeans and Lincoln Hawk custom fitted vintage tee shirt, and black sweater I had knit and ballet flats.

"You like Lincoln Hawk?" Yosh asked, with smile that should give my hearts flutters, but it's not Nates.

"I kinda grew up with it, my dad is the front man," I answered honestly, I knew what might happen but was leaving the old Jenny behind me.

"Wow I love that band, and that really cool," Yosh answered, with that great smile, my dad would be happy he has one fan, who not old.

"I'll introduce you, when he comes up," I told him as conversation went on for hours. We talked about everything from art, school and cross country. I learned that Eliza as two years younger and had skipped a grade, had dreams of becoming a rabbi. I could see underlying feelings of unrequited love as she looked at Yosh, it was same look I had for Nate. Eliza has such a good heart, and love for people and says she seen me with my mom, around town. She promised to show me around to the best fabric stores and to take me a craft fair where there are artist who spin their own yarn, because she also loved to knit and had learned from her Baba. I could see a creative kindred spirit, who would understand my need have something in my hands.

Kit had dreams of hollywood or becoming a lawyer still had not decided, she had so much energy that was addictive, when she talked about theater, but also a need to help people because she had lost her dad, in car accident by a royally rich drunk driver, who got off scot free. Kit lived with her grandmother, because her mother had left her when she was six and she seen hide or tail of her since. Kit also had the look of unrequited love, for Eliza but also an understanding her friend was straight and in love with Yosh, but she also like Yosh with a the same look of longing. I thought my love triangle was complicated. I could tell it was her love of their friendship that kept her silent and I could respect that and learn from it. I should have been silent with Nate, just been his friend and let us play out, things might be different now if I had.

Yosh was a journalist and wanted to write for the New York Times, someday and had gotten into Columbia journalism was the editor of the school paper this year and was taking as many AP class and even summer class at the local Junior college so he could be practically a junior when he gets to Columbia. He had the vibe of an old time reporter, the guy who would get down to bottom line no matter how hard it was to do it. Yosh had this vibe that he was the type of guy, honestly cared about people,most of all his friends and family. He loved to learn about people stories, which why he really wanted to know why a girl from Brooklyn and Constant, was here in Hudson.

I told them the truth, what I was comfortable with. I told them, I need out of life and needed to find the old me. I did not at the time tell them I had sex with step brother, to piss off the Queen of NYC, to get back at my step sister; because I could not break up her and boyfriend.I did all of that because I couldn't break up my dad marriage and to hurt the man I love more than anything. No, It was not until our spring show and prom would that come out. Yosh was just a good guy, and like most guys almost completely unaware of the love triangle he was in on the outside or didn't know who he felt so he ignored it, which made think of Nate. As the person who lost in the love triangle, I was in. I lost him to my step sister who gets everything, but it is thoughts like these that brings out the devil on my shoulder, who looked a lot like Blair. It was the devil on my shoulder, pushed my to lie to him and since they have broken up now, if I had just been honesty he might be mine now. Jenny don't go down this path of thoughts, it only brings out the bad and person you don't like, the angel came out who looked like Eric.

I learned that they had all are on the HHS cross country team and asked if I wanted to join them in their run tomorrow and since I want just get out the house I next morning I joined Yosh, Kit and Eliza for their morning run, I had a little trouble keeping up, since I normally only ran catch the subway, but found I like the challenge, and with in two weeks I was keeping up with them, and not losing my breath. I would soon fall in love with this sport, something if had told me a year ago that I would make State and letter in a sport, I would have laughed at you. I love getting lost in speed and the sound of my heart, could honestly think more while I was moving through woods and parks of Hudson, better than any drawing and focus my thoughts.

That summer was a detox for me, in so many ways. I found the old Jenny, who would rather draw and sew, or just hang out at the local cafe with my friends. I also found the new Jenny, who loved getting lost in the run, with wind in my hair and enjoying wonders of nature as we ran the trails. I also fell in love with musical theater, something that in NYC was only something tourist did or your grandma or Lily would drag us to for another fundraiser. I was dragged by my new friends to theater in the park every other weekend, we saw the same shakespeare play three times "Much Ado About Nothing" which I understood how the prince felt. I fell in love with classical musicals, The Sound of Music, Grease and Jekyll and Hyde( a not so classical but still amazing). I found a person I like again, and when fall came and I was given a chance to be a mean girl again, was able to turn it down.


	3. Chapter 3: Candy Store

It was my first day at new school at the start of my senior year, which not how thought would be the freshmen year. I thought, I would be Queen still ruling the upper east side, but what surprised me is I am so happy that it did not happen. I was not in custom, goth inspired uniform, I was in rip jeans a coral tee shirt and sweater that I had just finished; the coon eyes are gone and I was happy. I had gotten my morning coffee, with my new team Yosh, Eliza and Kit, after practice this morning. I was on a team, cross country something that I never would have thought would happen or even thought of as the Queen of the UES. I knew I was finding the person I wanted to be, and not thinking about the one I left behind. I had made through my first three periods all, A.P. courses thanks to Constance I was ahead of most the seniors, and shockingly had transferred with a 4.0, which surprised me more than anything. First period was A.P. english lit, second was A.P. Calc, how I was going to do this without Nate, who didn't have to think about math to pass- I know he was high for almost all of those classes since it was his first period at St. Judes. My third period was A.P. Western Civ and was in this class I saw my first "Heather", I could spot the queen of this school without a breath, being a banished one in my own right. I regrouped with my team at lunch and I was pounced on by the "Heathers."

"Hey new girl," A short blonde, scare-ish familiar blue eyes, she was wearing a short skater skirt, with a Blair style knock off look, and be that I knew style and class of the real Queen B something I would never dis her on, this girl just seem plastic. "Do you want join, us and drop the losers."

"No, thanks," I answered as I spotted my team, at table in the corner and continued to walk.

"Hey little J," Another girl, who was a mini me of the last girl.

"I don't know you, and only my friends can call me that and you girls are not my friends," I answered as made to my friends. I ignored the "Heathers" behind me, who I could tell were mad, I also quickly checked GG to make sure, my cell phone GPS was off and showing where I was and it wasn't. "Who are those girls?"

"The Saras a.k.a the old you of this school," Kit answered as she looked over at one of the Sarah, who was legs for days burnet. "The short blonde is Sarah Colestin, her claim to fame is her dad is fifth cousin to the Vanderbilts, and not any of the ones you know, but according to her she gets go to Nantucket every summer for the fourth of july family reunion. The burnet with legs for days is Sara Tipton, her mom is one of the top lawyers in albany, while she lives with her dad he in town, who is doctor; she is the queen bee of the theater department. The last curvy bottle blonde is Sarry Alexander, who is set be our valedictorian, if Yosh doesn't knock her off it."

"Hudson High has it own version of the Heathers, if my life was not soap opera already," I tell my friends, with a smile as open my sack lunch my mom made me, with carrot stick with homemade hummus with extra garlic- mom way of keeping me from kissing anyone, half of turkey pastrami on rye, apple and bottle of green juice. "Just my luck."

"I know you have told us, that you were a mean girl back at your old school Jen, but I personally don't see it," Eliza said as she took a sip of her water. "You are such a kind heart."

"I left the mean girl in the UES, and she can stay their," I answer as I got into my carrot sticks and hummus.

"I would be careful, Jenny the Sarahs can be crazy," Yosh said as Sarah C. came over to our table with her minions behind her. "I should know I dated, Sara C. freshman year; possibly the worst mistake ever."

"Jenny, these are not our kind of people and my offer to sit with use only going once will be gone," Sara C. said with a all too familiar evil sweetness.

"I am fine right here, I left Little J in UES where she been turned into a voodoo doll by my step brother ex-girlfriend, which is currently being tortured," I answered and gave my power Queen of Consonants smile, which should send anyone running, but not this bitch. "Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking to taken down a notch, and not being."

"Do you even know, who you are talking to?" Sarah C. asked as if should matter.

"No and nor do I care," I answered as dipped a carrot in some hummus and took a bit.

"We have a mutual friend, though he my family, Nathaniel Archibald," Sarah C. said with sickly sweet bitch of a smile.

"Wow, that surprising Nate didn't say anything about you last night when we talk after our COD match, or like ever in the four years I have counted him as one of my closest friends. Now I said no, I don't want to be your queen, I am done with titles," I answered as continued eating.

"Well fine," Sarah C. answered as picked up my green juice and poured it on my head. "If that's how you want to play it."

"Sarah Coalstin, detention!" I heard the voice my step aunt Rachel, Alex's sister, and the assistant coach for cross country and a math teacher here HHS.

"But she started it?"

"No, she didn't and I would stop arguing if don't want it to be all week," Coach Rachel answered looking down her glasses at the short blonde.

"Yes, ma'am," Sarah C. said as she walked away.

"Thank you, Aunt Rach," I thanked her as I try to wipe the green juice of my face.

"Hey, why don't you go to the locker room and get clean up I get a pass for your next period," Rachel said as help me pick up, my lunch.

I made my way to the locker room, but before I got into my locker, I had call my GBFF and say sorry again. I pulled up my skype app on my phone, in a second my best friend in whole world was on the screen, at lunch saint judes. "Hey, how is my favorite step- brother?"

"Great, how is nowhere high?" Eric asked with laugh, when saw the now sticky green gunk in my hair.

"I found my greatest fan, or more to say Little J greatest fan," I answered.

"Oh Jenny I am so sorry," Eric said, as always more compassion than I deserved.

"I honestly call to say I am sorry for dumping yogurt on your head, again because now I know how it feels," I apologised.

"That all in the passed .I have, my best friend back and that is what matters," Eric answered with more grace. "I need to finish my lunch and you need to get that out of your hair because you with green hair would just be bad," Eric laughed.

"Agreed," I laughed.

"Love ya Jen, talk later" Eric said.

"Love ya to bye," I answered as we hung up.

I may have green hair, like Anne did in Anne of Green Gables, but I also had friends who loved me. I was so happy to be out of the UES and New York. I was happy with Little J being a voodoo doll, in Blair closet, because she was the worst possible me. I like the person I am now, it from here I want find the woman, I can be and leave the candy store behind me for good.


	4. Chapter 4: State

October 8th

How did this happen, I am at the a qualifying cross country meet. I had made the team in the summer, which I only try out for because my new friends pushed me to give it a shot. I had been working out with them all through june and had made great progress, but I never thought that even make, but I had got my best time at that point the 5,000 meter and 22:45. I beat out some of the people who had been doing this for years, which did make me feel bad, but I had made the team, me Little Jenny from the block. I was in the blue and gold of the Hudson High School, I was a Bluehawk, again if you have told me this a year ago I would not have believed you. I had never dreamed of making state anything, because a Queen just did not do that. I was banished and did not care anymore. I had left Queen J, and she was dead, can stay that way. Queen J would have never even given Eliza a chance, who has become one of my best friends and knitting buddy.

I take my place, push out the world, I push out Blair, Serena, Chuck, Dan, Dad, Lily, Eric and most of all Nate. I push it all away and feel the wind in my ponytail, and the pounding of my feet as I run the trails and push myself to the front of the hep. I can hear my team cheering me on, but I push the world out. I move my way through the throng of girls, and make my way to the front. I don't look at the girls behind, me this how I should have done my life in NYC. I wanted to climb, to the top and have my own fairy tale, but that turn into the reign of terror, I took down everyone I loved. Jenny let that person go, let Queen J die. I see the tree, and breath the clean air in, letting go of that side of me and let the devil on shoulder go. I will be a better person, if there higher power out there, like Eliza and Yosh says there is, I will give up the Queen J if I can have my old self back. I don't know how I stand on the whole god thing, my family does really believe anything, but it does give me some comfort that someone cares, and has plan for me. I made to the end tail, and could see the finish line, I could see my friends there Eliza, Kit, Yosh and the rest of the team cheering me on, I can do this for me and no one else. I didn't notes that there was no one in front of me, when I ran through the ribbon, and finished first in my some crazy qualified me for the state championship at Saratoga State Park.

"Jenny," Kit screamed as she threw herself on my with Eliza not far behind. "You came in first, in your hep!"

"I what!" I answered as I clung to my friends.

"You got first!" Eliza screamed.

"I got first!"I screamed as other runner came behind me. I just kept up and working my way up today was the Saugerter invitational, and I was the first in my group at and got forth over all, 20.37. Which inturned qualified me for the section two championships. Ran to bag and grab my phone and the person I called was Nate.

I pushed the number two waited, as the other line rang and he picked up.

"Hey Jenny," Nate greeted, as he picked up.

"I did it!" I screamed into the phone

"What did you do?" Nate asked.

"I just qualified for the section two cross country championships! I just ran the 5,000 meter at my best time yet 20.37," I answered, I wanted him to be proud of me, I always wanted that.

"That amazing Jenny!" Nate praised.

"I got to go, but I had to tell you. I don't know why but I just had to." I told him.

"I get it Jenny no worries, and I know I am so proud of you," Nate said before I had to hang up and call my dad. My family was so proud of me, they never thought I would do something like this.

November 4th (17.23)

I made it, to section two cross country championships, as did my whole team and we not doing well in the team, but I was just amazing that we had made it this far. I was getting myself in the zone. I had started meditation in hopes that I could be more zen. I put earplugs in and find my place in the line up and then the gun goes off. I head out and ignore the world around me again and find my peace. I am doing this for me and no one else, I am not after any guy no matter how much he turns you to mush. I ran the paces and then I see it,the finish line and push myself harder! I can do this and I finish first in my hep and got second place overall. Jenny, the Queen would never do this, I tell myself. I get my phone to call Nate again, when I get a call from Parsons and they want to see my work, tomorrow.

November 12th (18.45) State Cross Country Championships

I tried to put myself in my Zen mode, but it wasn't working. I was knitting on our way two hour trip this morning, but now that everyone knew who took my virginity, I did it to get back at Blair, but it just didn't sit right, because the new Jenny would not share a secret to hurt even her worst enemy. That and Nate had not talked to me for a week, and I was afraid that he was never going to speak to me again. I should get over him, but no matter how much I try it's not working. Eliza could see something was, off but since she not from EUS she did not know about the whole Gossip Girl thing, and I had not told them about me blasting out how I lost my V-card to the whole, world. When we made to the race. I somehow made calmed my nerves and finished first in my hep, and did a crappy time for me, but I finished. I texted my Dad, Dan and Eric, but no one else would care from UES. I make it home shower and put on my armor, when Vanessa Skype me.

November 26th (17.23.2)New York Regionals

It was done, I can never go back to my home, to the world that I can have Nate. I have to let him go. I have to let that world go. I run my race that day and get my best time, every it's my last race in high school. I would have never believe it a year ago, but I am one of the best cross country runners in the state, when I finish I had to tell him even if it just goes to voicemail.

"Nate, I know you will probably never talk to me again and I don't blame you. But please know I would never really hurt Serena, try to take her down a peg, but she my sister. I just wanted to say that and to tell you I got my best time ever, and my team is one of the best in the state, our score is not low enough to go to nationals, but this highest we have gotten in a long time. I just wanted to tell you that." I had never thought there would be a day when he would never talk to me. Jenny since when has the thoughts of what I guy think mattered, to you. It hasn't, unless it was Nate, I ran away from my family, but I have not been able to get over him. Jenny, you need to let him go.


	5. Chapter 5: Sixteen going on Seventeen

Look like New York best kept secret is out, looks like Little J didn't lose her V card to Damien Dalgaard she waited and Chuck did a way with brother guess that explain the Humphrey in Hudson. Hell hath no fury like a Walford scorend. Looks like jokes up and Little J has the last laugh.

Xoxo Gossip Girl

I didn't get the blast until I was out of the prison, and my heart dropped. Why did matter, who Jenny lost her virginity too? Nate, Why does it matter? I just broke up with Juliet and I am more pissed that Chuck took Jenny virginity and all wanted to do was kill him. I hate my best friend, the closest man, I have to a brother. The call with Juliet, and the blast from G.G. about Jenny, I just need to zone out, with my favorite movie, a bottle of scotch,a joint and think. I had to think, which is the only thing I do, when comes to Jenny. Jenny, the one person in this world, who makes my mush and I can never put a thought together about her. I had to run, from her or I would have kissed her every time. I quickly found both, put in my ear buds and quickly drown my sorrows, in scotch and mary jane.

I had made through, to sixteen going on seventeen and brought me back to street corner, when I was seventeen going on eighteen, and gothic blonde princess was fifteen going sixteen. I knew I was too old for her, but she asked me why I cared, and I told "because." She kissed me it was not our first kiss, but it was the first one that mattered, she almost walked away and I had to pulled her back and taste the addictive taste her lips, of the wild, sweetness, innocence of Jenny Humphrey. I knew at that moment I had feelings for her, but what kind of feels those were, that was the question. I didn't know it was love at that point, I didn't know it was love till tonight, when I wanted to kill Chuck for touching, the girl I loved again and had been my first love, it was not Blair, Vanessa or Serena it has always been Jenny. It wouldn't have matter if it was not love, if Jenny Humphrey had to be my first love, the one you bought chocolates for, the one you wrote your first and only love letter to. It wasn't Juliet or even me putting words in her mouth, but I had been the last one to know, why she had to leave. The image of those makes me sick to my stomach, his hands on her alabaster skin, bow shape mouth kissing anyone but me.

"What the fuck?" the words slipped out, knowing the thoughts in my head. I had hated the thought of anyone having Jenny other than me. I was more mad at Jenny right now than Juliet. Why does matter Nate, if Jenny lost her virginity, "because," It should have been me, I shouldn't have let her go. I paused the movie and walked over to my closet, and opened my personal safe, and inside kept normal things like my passport, social security card, my grandmother sapphire tennis bracelet and matching earrings, she gave me to give the woman I would marry, but next all of this valuable belonging lay faded envelope with Jenny name and old address on it. It was the letter Vanessa stole from her, the one where I pretty much told her I loved her. I pull out paper, as if was pages they were holy relics of ages long pass and read the words she never saw.

_Jenny,_

_I know have been an ass to you and you must think that what we have is just another fling. Please forgive me, you light up my life, you make me want to get up in the morning to be a better man, to be the man I want to be, not what my family wants me to be._

_I want see where this goes, I know that keep saying that our ages difference matters, but in five to seven years it won't matter. _

_When we kiss that night at your fashion show, it meant the world to me, you mean the world to me._

_But I can't hide the way I really feel about you the emotions are to strong for me to pretend that they don't exist. I think about you all the time_

_Now that your brother knows about us. I have to stay away from you...but I don't want to. I really care about you. I don't know what to do._

_Nate_

I felt the tears drip down my face, how is it that this legs for days blonde still make me feel this way. I had kept telling myself for the last year, she didn't mean anything, that the kiss on my birthday had not sparked old flames, but now I was questioning if they ever went out. It took all my strength in that moment to not pull her back again. I wanted her then, I still want her. I remember those emotions, which I have never felt since, I was never as happy as I was that one short week, I was hers. I lied to Jenny, I was happy with Serena but not as happy as I was with her.

I put the letter away again and went back to watch the movie and by the time I got the reprise of sixteen going on seventeen, was higher than fucking kite, I don't hardly ever hallucinated, when I get high but when I do it can get bat shit crazy ones. I was now in Lisel place and Julia Andrew's Maria was singing to me.

"You are twenty going on twenty-one, Waiting for life to start, Somebody kind who touches your mind,Will suddenly touch your heart," Maria sang to me.

"When that happens, after it happens, Nothing is quite the same, Somehow I know I'll jump up and go, If ever she calls my name," I sang, because that had happen, Jenny gets herself in trouble and she calls I go after her. I went after her knowing Demian wanted to have sex with her, and even then while I was with Serena the idea of anyone having Jenny other than me made me sick. Why had not seen then, that she was...

"Gone are your old ideas of life, The old ideas grow dim, Lo and behold you're someone's spouse, And you belong to them, You may think this kind of adventure, Never may come to you, Darling twenty going on twenty-one, Wait a year," Maria sang to me.

"I'll wait a year," I sang, I pride myself on giving a second chance, something I never gave Jenny. I gave Vanessa a second chance, I even gave Blair and Serena a second chances, but I never gave Jenny a second chance. I may never be able to give her that chance, and she may never be able to come back with how things are with Blair and Chuck.

"Your, right you never gave Jenny a second chance, but when you do, she will be your end game," Maria asked, with that motherly look my own never had.

"What do mean end game, that not how Maria would talk?" I answered.

"I am hallucination from your subconscious, coming from booze and pot. Nate you are asking why I don't sound like movie version!" Maria answered practically.

"Good point, but what does that mean Jenny is end game for me, Jenny can't be the one," I said to myself be it in my hallucination or not. "We have never even dated."

"True, but she the only girl you know who will play call of duty with you, she the one you will drop everything for, she the one you can stay up all night talking to, she the one you are mad at right now and not the girl you broke up with tonight," Maria stated plainly.

"Your right or I'm right, but now is not the time I have to wait for her, and wait for me," I realized. "I have to find me, I have to finish college, and become the man she deserves."

"Good, now you have sleep and sober up," Maria said as I fell into a deep sleep.

I woke up, with the mother fucker of all hang overs and knowing my pot had be laced with some magic mushrooms, but thought that Jenny was end game, and I had wait for you to grow up, and moreover for me to grow up. It was a clarity I had not had in a long time, and peace that was never there with anyone. Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey was my person, the one I was meant to be with and some I will learn how to hold that moonbeam in my hand.


	6. Chapter 6: Dangerous Games

I was at the game again, and it was thrilling, like a the highest of highs. I was helping Vanessa after what Serena, did to her at the ballet, and with my evil genius side out in full swing, we will play this dangerous game at the saints and sinner maquared. Tonight I will get back at the people, who got me banished to Hudson and my Lady Hyde side will come out even I have put on my gothic makeup and all black the Hyde was back. I have setup the perfect scheme, but Juliet wanted us to split up, I take Nate and she take Dan, then I would go up and reveil Chuck and Blair. I told her he would know my perfume, since I made it myself lavender, cinnamon, cloves and vanilla, which would not come off in the shower very well. I know that was not why, he would know it was me because we have a spark, Serena and I don't kiss the same. I know I couldn't just kiss him and go, but if I tell her that she will have my secret and I still don't trust her so I go along with it I will kiss Nate. I know that I still have feeling for him, and I have try so hard to get over him because unrequited love hurts so much, and is a bitch.

I put on a the dress and a dash of serena perfume, but I know mine can still be smelled with undertones in my hair. Vanessa left for her branch of mission and Juliet and I went to the ball.

"I should have known taking down Serena would involve wearing the perfect dress," Juliet said when she got out of our cab.

"Well any time I can combine styling with revenge, plus this isn't my first masquerade party," I answer as I pull my hood a little lower.

"I'll see you inside," Juliet says as I leaves her for the party.

I make my way in and give my name, which thanks to Chuck forever feeling sorry for taking my virginity he puts me on the list at all his major parties, Juliet and I split up and soon enough Blair finds me thinking I am Serena.

"Serena have you seen Chuck," Blair asks I know I need get out of here before she can tell it's me not my step sister. "Wait, I know that you don't think my being with him is a good idea, but you have bad ideas all the time. I don't want to lose the fondation, but what wrong with wanting to keep it secret just long enough to know how he really feels. I didn't approve of your thing with Collins but at least I had the decency to talk to you about it." I know now I have to walk away from her before my cover is blown. "Well I didn't, but you should!"

I make my way to the bar and see him, he is again the fallen angel of the Upper East Side, in a dark charcoal suit, and wearing the tie and pocket square I gave him as a joke last christmas, with skulls and crossbones, perfect for tonight, I can smell his cologne and my heart melts again at his smile, even as he says my sister name. What am I doing, he is such a good guy, stood by me even after I almost tore them apart. I know that if I kiss him, Nate will know it's me, but it was to late I was into deep too this game and I had follow thru. I had kiss the only man, I have loved yet and my be the only one I may ever love. '_All know is I am lost and counting the cost, __My emotions are in a spin !I don't know who to blame__,'_ the lyrics from Kit current obsession musical Jekyll and Hyde pop into my head, fitting with me taking on my Queen J, persona again tonight.

"Hey listen, sorry for laying it on the line like that earlier it just," Nate said, and in his eyes I see the love he has for Serena, all which once he held for me on the night of my fashion show, when said he was with me no matter what I chose, but that was a lie, but was it really. '_It's a dangerous game !No one speaks- Not one word-But what words are in our eyes__.'_

I had to cut him off with a kiss, which brought me back to a night four years ago, almost to the day when I was also dressed like Serena and Nate confessed to me how he felt for her, but in this moment it didn't matter I was kissing Nate again. My hand found his neck, and the spot which would I know drives him wild, his hand found the small of my back and the perfect spot on my hip which he pulled me closer. '_Your tempting touch, As it tingles my spine-_' He tasted the same, of scotch, pot and lust, but also of hope and it was that hope I had to pull away from, because it was not for me and probably never would be. It was heartbreaking and I had to pull away and go or I was going to break again.

"No, not yet," Nate breathed as he pulled me back and kissed me again, with more passion than he has since the night on the street corner. Nate kiss consumed me, and I was his all over again. I had to have more and I pulled him closer, not caring if he thought I was my sister, because for one moment, for one second this Cinderella want to remember her night at the ball, when the Prince kissed her and wanted only her. I was soon on bar stool and my legs were wrapped around him, with skirt pushed up to my thighs. I was dry humping Nate on a bar stool, and he could have me right here if he wanted, but I have a game to play and he would hate me even more if he knew it was me.

"Serena you have no idea the hell you have put me through," Nate said and with that I had to go, because my heart was breaking all over again. "It is me right!"

Yes, Nate it will at the moment always be you, because you are my person even because I just broke the sweetest guy I have ever met his heart, I have never kissed him. I am sorry Yosh.

I try to hold back the tears, but they slowly come. What have I done? I think when I see Chuck and Blair sneak off and I follow. I can see my step brother, who is honestly happy with the Queen B, who honestly does love him and as they kiss. I let Lady Hyde, out one more time and will never let her out every again. I pull on the curtin rope and drops showing the world, what they are doing. It was done, the game was over for me. I can never play again.


End file.
